Quaffable, but uh... far from transcendent.

Last night was my last night reading Matthew. And it has been such a great experience! I've come to realize that Matthew's testimony is incredibly practical and applicable to our lives. Thanks to allaboutjesuschrist.org, (and the help of JB's research) I've been able to clearly organize my personal retreat with the first of four gospels.

First, it establishes that Jesus Christ is the Messiah that was prophesized throughout the Old Testament.

• The Lord will raise up for you a prophet like me among yourselves, from your own kinsmen. You are to pay attention to him. Deuteronomy 18:15
• I will raise up for them a prophet like you from among their kinsmen. I will put my words in his mouth, and he will tell them everything I order him. Deuteronomy 18:18
• And he shall set up a banner for the nations, and shall assemble the outcasts of Israel, and gather together the dispersed of Judah from the four corners of the earth. Isaiah 11:12
• When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. Hosea 11:1
• But he was wounded because of our crimes, crushed because of our sins; the diciplining that makes us whole fell on him, and by his bruises we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

And that's just to name a few! Jesus' coming fulfills the prophesy, despite the unpopular belief of the time.

Second, it proves that Jesus was the Son of God, whom He claimed to be through living a sinless and perfect life. 1 Peter 2:22 confirms it! He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. This was also prophesized: He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth (Isaiah 53:9).

Third, the Gospel records Jesus performing miracles over nature (calming the storm; Mat. 8:23-27), healing people (curing the servant; Mat. 8:5-13) and raising the dead (Jairus's daughter; Mat. 9:18-19). When you think about it, it's pretty awesome to imagine being a witness of Christ's power! How  many people do you know that can calm furious waves (you know what I mean if you've ever been deep-sea fishing)? Or bring your loved ones back to life (Chris Angel doesn't count!)? And forget about the thousands of people He healed....this was no mind-trick! These people were the most diseased and outcasted; not simply your run-of-the-mill headcases. It's really no surprise that He was feared and revered. I can't honestly say I would have acted differently.

Fourth, Jesus personally gives over 200 (circus fire!) real lessons of how God desires people to live, respond through challenging circumstances, and make choices regarding their future for eternity.

These lessons include:

• Having faith (9:29)
• Dealing with fear (8:26)
• God answering prayers (8:2)
• The promise of salvation (10:22)
• Obeying God (15:19)
• Loving your neighbor (19:19)
• Sacrificing (20:22)
• Resolving legal issues (5:25)
• How to give to others (6:2)
• Forgiving others that sin against you (6:14)
• Resisting temptation (4:2)
• Being a hypocrite (23:28)
• Acknowledging Christ (10:32)
• The image of Heaven and Hell (13:49,50)

He drops the Beatitudes like they're hot, and teaches us the boundaries of anger, divorce, adultery, and the unnecessary (and common) act of making promises. He directs us how to pray, fast, worry (or not to, in this case!), and live for Him with a happy, satisfied heart. He even lays down my personal favorite: do unto others as you would have done to you (Matthew 7:12).

This Jesus guy was insane (the good kind of crazy)! He walks right into our lives and does His best to pull us to the finish line when we're feeling that our100 meters of testimony is much too far. I recommend Matthew to everyone; believers and non-believers alike. If we could all live a little more like the guidelines in this gospel, we'd find that life is honest and pure, and be that much closer to the Kingdom.

He'll never forsake you. Don't be afraid.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalms 1:24

To quickly and painlessly confirm the rumors: yes, Justin and I are separated. No, I'm not okay about it. And if you really want to know, I don't have a problem telling you why I feel the way I feel about where we were, where we are, and where we're going. But I'm not going to blog about it. There's plenty of that going on over here: justinbrown11.wordpress.com

Now that that's out of the way...

I need that three day weekend to hurry up and get here. I don't think I've been this tired in so long. There is no doubt that I am emotionally and physically drained. I want to do something "fun" and "exciting" this weekend, but I fear I'll be stuck in bed, sleeping away my stay-cation. I take a nap almost everyday and yet I still find myself shut-eye at my desk in the morning as if I were back in high school. Fortunately, this week has been a blur of movie previews and presentations of releases that have come and gone: Death Race, Garden State, The Invention of Lying, Four Christmas', Rent, All Dogs Go To Heaven, and a few others I can't seem to remember.

Apparently school starts today. Or is it tomorrow? ... School starts this week for the college kids. It's pretty cool to say that now that I'm graduated. Even cooler not to have to go back. I've heard a few of my friends give mixed opinions about being graduated and day dreaming about their return to school. I hated school. In fact, I've always hated school, so I don't think that is any surprise to my readers. The monotony, the homework, the boring lectures, the ESSAYS, the reading assignments that I could have skimmed instead of read, the studying for tests I would never pass, taking a test for information we definitely didn't have the time to learn in class, fighting for a parking spot, the long walk to the other side of campus because I couldn't find a parking spot, not having internet while I'm trying to get on facebook instead of listen to the lecture.....I can't imagine going back. There are some days that I consider reapplying for graduate school, but then I remember that it's a waste of time.

Valentine's Day 2008

On the bright side, (my) David--not to be confused with David "Don't interrupt my story" Hindman-- will be here in 25 days! I'm so very excited to have been able to see both of my boys this summer. Now if only Lauren would get her behind up here, I'd feel a lot better.

I've also been seriously contemplating another life course. I love that I have a job; a job that I like, in a comfortably close field that I majored in. Despite liking my job, I don't love it. And I feel like my talents and passion is being wasted sitting at an office desk, occasionally answering my phone, and becoming a filing fiend and a copy-machine expert. I am highly considering signing up to do mission work for a Church of Christ ministry. Somewhere outside the US. Somewhere I can be engulfed in a culture not my own. Somewhere I can witness a child's walk with Christ. Somewhere I can spread the Word. Peace Corps was an option until I found out that they're not exactly a Christian-friendly organization. In my opinion, getting fired for talking about Jesus is not somewhere I'd like to be. And though I'm going to continue to pray on this, I'm also going to wait until Lauren gets married. I can't miss my best friend's wedding (movie reference not intended)! I've asked for prayers of discernment, but please pray that I will not make a hasty or unwise decision, but that I will allow my will to be His will.

Also! Last night was my very last night reading Matthew. After a few days of recap and reflection, I'll be on my way to Mark. So exciting! I hope all of you are taking time out of your schedules to get lost in His Word. Bisous!

Changes

My heart is breaking.

Happiness is a manner of traveling.

My hands are oily. Eating kettle corn at work is not very productive. Eat, wipe, type. Eat, wipe, type. And I'm sure that sometime in the very near future, I'll be incredibly thirsty. But I hadn't prepared for that while sitting at the front desk and now I can't go anywhere.

Things have been.....well, I'm alive. Tonight, I'm planning on taking Leo and Justin to the lake to do some (much needed) walking. I've done two days of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, but I feel worse than ever about my body. I'll never be that hot.

The Good News

• I've got my room set up in the new place. I love having Lynn Papapetrou as a roommate.
• I'm enjoying my new phone.
• Graduation is over.
• I'm finally starting to put money into my savings account.
• I appreciate the hilarity of Who Would You Rather and Never Have I Ever.
• Our new fancy pots and pans have come.
• I am happy to say that it was my charger that was broken and not my computer.
• JB and I are working on reconciling our relationship, in lieu of the issues that we've had over the past few months.
• I'm feeling complacent about not being on anxiety medication. Still working on the mood swings.
• Thanks to the advice of Crystal Farnsworth's stepmother, I'm on an incredibly fulfilling spiritual journey (that, as of late, Justin has also joined).
• The prospect of Justin going enlisted continues to increase, but he's finally beginning to accept it.
• My best friend, Lauren McLeod, will be getting married if everything works out with her man's active duty status!

The Not-So-Good News

• I feel like I gain more weight everyday despite cutting out excessive junk food and fast food. It's discouraging and makes me want to eat Oreos all day long.
• Jillian Michaels kicks my butt on a daily basis. Even when I'm not doing the Shred.
• I actually burned one of our brand new pans (the griddle) while cooking breakfast for our guests, and now I have to pay to send it back.
• The constant talk of money and debt at church has made me feel panicked about the debt I have from school.
• My addiction to shopping has been thwarted thus far, but I feel like I'm not strong enough to not want material things. This makes the last not-so-good point worse than it actually is.
• I'm in a constant state of loneliness despite being surrounded by good people.
• My grandparents' visit was much too short.
• I still have yet to take back my cap and gown. That's going to become a problem.
• My parents (still) suck.
• My dad is a shell of a man, yet still treats me like crap despite being the only person in the family who still loves him.
• My brother is too impressionable and manipulated. But in turn, he manipulates the manipulator to get what he wants.
• My (once repaired) shoulder is beginning to give me problems....daily. I don't have another $16,000 to fix it again.
• I'm really thirsty right now.

I've recently gotten back in touch with my aunt Hope and uncle Rick; a real blast from the past. When I stopped being able to see my biological father, and then moved from New Jersey to Florida, I lost contact with everyone associated with him. My mother's manipulation of the situation (I was only 10) allowed me to fall away from them; they were the "bad people". Last year, after [too] many attempts at regular contact with my biological father and [too] many unreturned phone calls over the years, I wrote him a long winded letter illustrating my pain, forgiving him for never being in my life, and asking him never to contact me again. My aunt and uncle's similar relationship with him has finally validated my decision. It was refreshing to hear my aunt's voice, like I was 8 years old again, trying on my first training bra (tmi, I'm sure!). My (lack of) family has really taken its toll on me.

I'm having overwhelming thoughts that beg me to seek the comfort of my past, but I'm doing my best to subdue those false ideas and emotions. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. (Matthew 6:22) I can't expect this life to be easy, or marriage, for that matter, to be without controversy or struggle. Moving backward is not an option. I need to push forward. Please help me by praying for strength for what is coming, and for some kind of resolution to the pressure I'm feeling.

As a side note, I'd like to pray for all my girls in AFC: May this week bring far less disabling stress than we have all been feeling lately.

Milestones

Nola 2011

Nola 2010

SoFla Fair 2005

The past two weeks have been insane. From moving two households to celebrating in New Orleans, it has all led up to today. DB's visit was something extraordinary (as usual). I vaguely remember him lying on the sidewalk with his pants off at 5am as we dragged our behinds back to our hotel room, but it was all worth it. The hazy days were compensated by memories from the clear(er) days, but we were able to get most everything on camera. This Alabama bridge-swimming, jambalaya eating, steamboat riding, stage dancing adventure was one of my favorite (mostly because I'm finally legal). I never have the same experiences twice with him despite doing the same things twice....I'll never find another DB like the one I've got.

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. Or something like that. I've heard it after nearly every important milestone I've accomplished, so forgive me if the phrase has lost its luster. Though it seems like I've been out of school for months (probably because I have been), I'm happy to know that my business with Florida State is practically finished (still need to return my cap and gown, and pay some library fees lol). But at least this day is over.

From now on, there will be more working days, more mini-vacations with Justin before he gets another ship date, and less time worrying about the future. The thought of an all-inclusive (free!) honeymoon, and the anticipation of the arrival of our new Simplicity Gourmet kitchen set just adds to the excitement.

I'd like to take a second to thank my grandparents for everything they've done; not just for me, but for everyone they know and love. There aren't enough words that could describe the love I have for them, and the appreciation I have for the love they show me.

Thank you Nana and Pop for everything you do, all the miles you travel, and the late nights you've waited up for  me to come through your "rest-stop". I admire your strength, your marriage, and your "awesome sauce" attitudes. Essentially, I love you.

The only way to find perfection is to lose yourself....

Jason Reeves is playing on my laptop, and my puppy is laying in my arms; getting in the way keyboard so he doesn't feel forgotten. It's finally Friday, guys. I've been spending my week packing, moving, packing.... and moving. I'm finally moved into my new house, but it's so empty without Lynn's happy face. She's never home when I'm home :( It was incredibly difficult moving an entire house worth of stuff into my room without feeling cluttered, but I'm managing. Leo seems impartial to the new arrangements, and would rather be at Justin's new place....which, coincidentally, is my old place! Things with Justin and his situation with the Navy are still a blur, but we're hanging on and making the best of the hand we've been dealt.

Recently, it seems like the marriage I was looking forward to is far off in the distance despite having just passed it by. It seems like so long ago that I was picking out centerpieces and invitations. It becomes less and less of a reality the more that time passes, but I suppose it's all part of the His plan. This whole living-our-lives-day-by-day thing is really not how I envisioned the next year of my life. Things are just not the way I imagined they would be.

Fortunately, my DB will be here in two days to take my mind off everything I worry about, and my grandparents will be here at the end of the week for my graduation. Apparently, so will my parents, but that's another story. I'm glad at least that Justin's postponed orders mean that he can come to my graduation. It just wouldn't be the same without him there.

Tomorrow is the first day of my high-protein diet per a french nutritionist, combined with AFC's infamous 30 day shred DVD! I expect that I'll be more grouchy and tired than usual, but it'll be worth it in the end. If you're looking for me for the next month, I'll probably be shut up in my room trying to work off the extra pounds that being in a stressful relationship has added. Either that or I'll be in somewhere away from here; forgetting about the world, and trying to find the girl I used to be with the one who used to be mine. It's always strange to think that DB was ever into women. Even that seems so far back. These days, imagining him with a woman is just weird for me. I guess things that always were, always will be. I wish people understood the way I need him. Ever feel homesick? That's the way I feel without him. Paul never understood it. Justin will never understand it. And there's a good chance no one else will either. Just me. Just him.

"I'm scared to let go because I'm worried about what I'll be missing."

This really seems appropriate given recent events. I'm still in the process of letting go of my past in order to start over new for the future, but it's difficult trying to get rid of who I was without losing who I am. My thoughts and my behaviors have been completely erratic for the past two weeks (and the reason I've been isolating myself). I'm currently in the process of lifting my dependency from anti-anxiety meds, and it hasn't been an easy transition. My OCD and need for consistency and perfection has come to bear its true colors, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I had my first breakdown at work today. I was first faced with the challenge of retrieving manilla folders from a spare desk surrounded and covered with boxes full of toner. Forgetting all I've learned about messes that aren't mine, I felt overwhelmed with the urge to stack the boxes neatly: it was an obstacle that was preventing me from efficiently searching for the folders I needed. I was frustrated because of the clutter, angry because I was cleaning up someone else's mess, and panicking because the fear of reverting to my old ways was creeping up on me. The second episode came later on in the day after I completed an incredibly tedious project that took me hours to finish. After I had finished, I was told that half of the letters I had typed up individually for each employee had to be redone because there was a sentence from the original template that didn't apply to that particular group. Feeling like I had just wasted precious hours, it was too hard to hold back the tears. I was tempted to throw the papers on the ground, scream at the top of my lungs, and run out of the building. I don't feel ready for this. I don't want to go back there again. I'm not that girl anymore.

Please pray that I'll have the strength to get through this, and that I can trust in Him to carry  me through this intimidating transition.

God's last name is not Dammit.

• Providential Will
• Moral Will
• Personal Will

The more I think about these three, the more I think about the choices I've made and the position that I'm in. Only 11ish more days until I move in with Lynn. Only 17 more days until Justin (hopefully) leaves Florida for Rhode Island. (I say hopefully because passing his PRT before his ship date is imperative.) Lately, I've been thinking about the decisions I've made and that I have yet to make, and my time spent in the Word or in prayer has brought me to a place where I'm attempting to make my will His will. So far, I've been unsuccessful. I'm still feeling selfish and needy. I'm still having trouble relying entirely on Him to make my path straight. As I understand it, if I know His providential will (things He'll make happen, regardless of my faith or desire), and remain obedient to his moral will (things expected of us as Christians), it'll be easier for me to know his personal will (his special plan for me!).

So now, all I have to do is be able to recognize his providential will, set standards for myself that will help maintain his moral will, and eventually, I'll be able to discern between what He wants for me, and what I want for me (or what other people want for me, for that matter). It seems so easy, but I'm stressed out just thinking about it.

Still no concrete plans for the wedding. We've talked about the possibility of doing it next October, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I guess that's just better left alone. I'm still really disappointed in the way everything fell apart.

Also, I still don't have a phone due to unfortunate financial screw-ups (for once, not entirely my fault) that I don't have the patience or strength to deal with. So for now, I continue to miss the electronic company of my family and friends, and mourn not having any money, like usual.

I miss my Daniel Bell miserably.
Oh, and 20 days until graduation day.