Thursday, June 30, 2011

Detachable...something or other.

You know when you have that feeling that you've made the wrong choice? Months ago, I was plagued by this unmistakeable feeling of dread and emptiness, tainted by a sense of uneasiness around things that had once been familiar and enjoyable. I fear this stream of dark emotion is trying to break through one more time. It pulls at me, pleading with me to make the changes that I don't want to make, or the ones that I don't even recognize need to be made. I feel different; out of control. 

I'm empty in too many areas. I'm emotionally drained due in large part to a strenuous family situation that doesn't really need to be elaborated on. I'm spiritually drained because I'm doing my utmost to lift people up, as well as doing my best to reassure myself that everything will be alright, and I don't doubt that it's the same for everyone, so I feel guilty turning to the people I used to. I've used up all of my coupons for free advice, girl's night outs, and the usual run-of-the-mill venting. Those left from my past are busy-bees in their own right, or simply not talking to me anymore because I've made choices that they didn't support (my faith, Justin, choosing not to go to grad school, etc). I feel washed up, pathetic, and lacking. It's as though I'm in hiding so that I don't have to talk about how I really feel. 

My relationship is a figurative and literal mess. I don't know who I am, or who I want to be for that matter. I don't know what I want, or what I don't want. Even more importantly, I don't know who and what God wants. I was lost on the path getting into this, and I'm still lost, trying to figure out if I've made inadequate choices. JB always reassures me that we'll be ok, but I'm losing myself, and I anticipate that he is too. We have lost sight of our priorities, and as often as I try to right the wrong, there is always another battle to be fought on the frontline; ripping and shredding the little confidence and appreciation we have left for eachother. For everyone who doesn't know yet (which is pretty much everyone, since only one or two people have been told), the wedding has been postponed until further notice. The stress of a rocky engagement coupled with Justin moving to Rhode Island (still up in the air, at the moment)- among other things- has proved to be too much for the two of us to cope with in the midst of wedding planning. So for now we'll just wait it out and enjoy our time together....hopefully.

I never realized the affect being without a phone would have on me. Apart from feeling disconnected from my friends, I feel disconnected from the world. I get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch some Netflix, and go to bed. Lather, Rinse, and Repeat. The only truly enjoyable part of my week is when we're in Jacksonville, forgetting about reality and the stress that being "home" entails. But even that is just a feeble attempt to run from the issues and hide behind something that isn't real. I'm not used to being fake, or settling for an existence that is simply "content".

I want to be full of life, and laughter. I want my ideals and virtues to revolve around my Father, and be constantly reminded of His wonder and glory. I want a Love that is wholesome and blessed, strong and pliable, and one that is constructed to bring honor to Him rather than to a future that was never really ours in the first place. I want to feel free. I want to feel liberated. I want my David Kossin back. I want to be closer to Daniel Bell. I want Lauren McLeod to move in next door. I want the V-clan to resurrect under different pretenses: we had multiple falling outs and eventually came back together, but I miss my girls. 

Who am I?
Does anyone remember seeing which way I went?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I reserve the right to arm bears.

I think it's safe to say that the past few weeks have fallen short of my expectations, but it's about time I took back my life. We were blessed to spend a wonderful weekend in Jacksonville with JB's parents that really helped ease our stress. Of course, I felt like I was melting in his Jeep on the drive to and from without the AC, but it was well worth it. And with my car all fixed up, I won't have that problem on the trip next weekend!

In other news, JB and I made an addition to our little "family". His name is Renegade! He's a red dragon betta fish....and NO we weren't researching ways to make our betta fish a champion betta fighter. It'll be great to have a pet that doesn't require a lot of maintenance...and one that can spend some time at Justin's house until he leaves for OCS (he doesn't know that little tidbit yet). I'll be spending the rest of the week enjoying my FINAL few days at Florida State, studying for exams, helping Meridian Woods set up for vacation bible school, and getting ready for my first day of an actual career! Hooyah! (....I can say that now!)

There have been a lot of people who have been trying to get me to talk about some things I had previously not wanted to bring out due to the fact that I was being pressured by my parents to live a certain way and follow a particular path that was not the one that He had in mind for me. Of course, what I'm referring to is graduate school. Given the circumstances and the recent surge of maturity, it seems like the perfect time to come clean. I had previously avoided the topic in great detail because I felt guilty for the way I handled the situation, but simultaneously plagued by a great sense of dread. My decision to reject my acceptance into the Florida State University Clinical Behavior Graduate Program came with tremendous ease, but not when it came to sharing said plan with my parents. It felt good knowing that my hard work had gotten me that far, but God was pushing me toward a different door. And now that I've been offered (and accepted) a full time position at a state agency, it's impossible to deny His plans for me.

While I'm here, I'd also like to ask for prayers for my faith. My spiritual life has somewhat dwindled with the anticipated wedding (and the frustrations that have exploded from said announcement), and I've found myself unable to focus on the Word. I feel disconnected when I pray; distracted and fake. I miss that place where I felt safe and secure. I feel like I'm on the right path on my way to that somewhere that I'm supposed to be going, but I forgot to pack an overnight bag containing all of the essentials. My tenderness, my strength, my compassion, my patience, my purity of mind: I've abandoned it all for worldly worries. More frequently, I hear Justin questioning my faith and asking me to set a better example (in so many words).

I've forgotten You, Father. And I want to go home.

Just like to give a quick shout out to my little brother: Congrats on graduating high school, Zak! You've made it! And I couldn't be more proud. We've had our ups and downs (and plenty of upside-downs, as well), but I'm glad that you've pushed yourself to be the man I knew was in you. Welcome to the real world. 

Oh....and the most recent good news: I now have the house to myself. Tonight after decorating for VBS, I came home to an empty (filthy) house. I suppose if I'm going to be paying the entire rent here, I'd like to enjoy what I'm paying for! I started cleaning the first floor tonight. I'm going to pick up some boxes and more cleaning supplies tomorrow and get this place in order. :)