Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Nothing is ours except time."

The past two days have been so full of introspection and self-righting that I've become an exhausted shell of myself. Satan has even pervaded my dreams; entrenching me in night terrors that have since been uncommon. It's a familiar tactic of his that I should be used to; just when I think my faith is strong, he sees my weaknesses. On Monday night, God unmasked some internal deception that had been cloaking my shortcomings, and it was the final crack in my armor. Like stilt pilings, the wave of startling emotion was swiftly swept away, and the foundation crumbled fantastically beneath me; misconstrued beliefs and seemingly unimportant concepts immediately catechized.

Often, there are times that you take a step back to question things that you've said or done. And there is that exact moment subsequent to the retrospection that enables you to interpret what course of action should follow. In my case, the retrospection brought guilt that only tears could verbalize. But He saw my heart. He saw the lies, the misunderstanding, and the false justification I had been allowing Satan to feed me. And this is where accountability comes in. It is not often that my faith and my beliefs are questioned. But when they were, my judgment was unclouded and faults were ablaze. I'm currently attempting to work a different angle and rediscover what I truly want for my future. Things don't need to be the same as they have been all of my life. I've been conforming to modern compulsions and expectations that are simply ridiculous, and blatantly against what He wants for me. Changes are forthcoming. And perfectly coinciding with this Thanksgiving holiday.

Christmas 2010
In other news, I unleashed the Christmas spirit on my room last night. It's now a lustrous chaos of lights, glitter, and childhood knick knacks. I'm contemplating doing more, but the more that goes up, the less likely I am to ever take it down. Last year's Christmas tree and lights didn't come down until July of this year. Plus, I still have three canvases to create and hang. I'm quickly running out of wall space.

I will say, though, that I will be enjoying two very quiet holidays here in Tallahassee as opposed to driving home to South Florida. Family will be missed, but I'm anticipating the absence of entropy and disarray. It's been too long since I've actually (and completely) enjoyed a holiday. That and I can afford to do some Christmas shopping if I'm not saving up to travel. It's a decent win-win.

Only just under two more weeks until my schedule is radically altered to accommodate my class schedule. I'll have to be in before 3 am every night (who am I kidding?), spend less time crocheting/reading/watching Arrested Development (I can certainly just do all that at work), and more time actually caring about school (a stretch).

Stay blessed and embark on a very crucial opportunity to give thanks for all that He has done for you tomorrow. Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Life goes on with fragile normalcy.

I feel slightly anxious; slightly captivated. I'm a mess of creative genius trying to outdo myself for the hundredth time. The past few weeks have been somewhat of a blur, and I sincerely apologize for the lack of update.

After just getting back from North Carolina- family, fun, marriage, kids, love, and comfort food- I'm a glass half full of emotion. Mostly due to the changes I've gone through over the past few months, and the emptiness that a failed engagement has left. Not that I'm regretting, or reconsidering any of the decisions made, but marriage and family-making excitement is now the last thing on my mind. I miss the way it used to drain me. I miss the possibilities. "The more distressing the memory, the more persistent it's presence." Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants. But that's neither here nor there. The day goes on.

My trip was breathtakingly quaint. Everything about NC was beautiful; riveting. I was lucky enough to spend time with a wonderful family that welcomed me into their equally wonderful homes. And quite frankly, it was one of the best family get togethers I've had the pleasure of being involved in in a very long time. The love was so powerful; perfectly picturesque.

I'm currently in a place that I always enjoy being: independent, creatively motivated, and very much head over feet. Not to mention, I'm in a state of peaceful repose that accompanies patience in its finest hour. I picked up crocheting today as an outlet for both perpetual boredom and the propensity toward keeping my hands busy. I'm about to pick up scrapbooking to capture some of the excitement that goes on in my life. Plus, these skills will come in handy when I finally get down to Christmas shopping/creating. I've already got most of my list planned out, but there are still a few people on the list that need deciding. The decorating starts next week. Very exciting!

Mallory moved [back] into the house while mon petit chou and I were in Charlotte. I'm enjoying the constant companionship. I think it will be even more rare that the house is unoccupied. In fact, I think we're about to have a full house shy of ten people here this weekend. I sometimes worry about the increased electric bill, the lack of food, and the clutter that guests bring, but I think my need for interaction trumps that of my own paltry concerns.

That's about as much update as I've got in me to share. Stay blessed, friends.