Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Nothing is ours except time."

The past two days have been so full of introspection and self-righting that I've become an exhausted shell of myself. Satan has even pervaded my dreams; entrenching me in night terrors that have since been uncommon. It's a familiar tactic of his that I should be used to; just when I think my faith is strong, he sees my weaknesses. On Monday night, God unmasked some internal deception that had been cloaking my shortcomings, and it was the final crack in my armor. Like stilt pilings, the wave of startling emotion was swiftly swept away, and the foundation crumbled fantastically beneath me; misconstrued beliefs and seemingly unimportant concepts immediately catechized.

Often, there are times that you take a step back to question things that you've said or done. And there is that exact moment subsequent to the retrospection that enables you to interpret what course of action should follow. In my case, the retrospection brought guilt that only tears could verbalize. But He saw my heart. He saw the lies, the misunderstanding, and the false justification I had been allowing Satan to feed me. And this is where accountability comes in. It is not often that my faith and my beliefs are questioned. But when they were, my judgment was unclouded and faults were ablaze. I'm currently attempting to work a different angle and rediscover what I truly want for my future. Things don't need to be the same as they have been all of my life. I've been conforming to modern compulsions and expectations that are simply ridiculous, and blatantly against what He wants for me. Changes are forthcoming. And perfectly coinciding with this Thanksgiving holiday.

Christmas 2010
In other news, I unleashed the Christmas spirit on my room last night. It's now a lustrous chaos of lights, glitter, and childhood knick knacks. I'm contemplating doing more, but the more that goes up, the less likely I am to ever take it down. Last year's Christmas tree and lights didn't come down until July of this year. Plus, I still have three canvases to create and hang. I'm quickly running out of wall space.

I will say, though, that I will be enjoying two very quiet holidays here in Tallahassee as opposed to driving home to South Florida. Family will be missed, but I'm anticipating the absence of entropy and disarray. It's been too long since I've actually (and completely) enjoyed a holiday. That and I can afford to do some Christmas shopping if I'm not saving up to travel. It's a decent win-win.

Only just under two more weeks until my schedule is radically altered to accommodate my class schedule. I'll have to be in before 3 am every night (who am I kidding?), spend less time crocheting/reading/watching Arrested Development (I can certainly just do all that at work), and more time actually caring about school (a stretch).

Stay blessed and embark on a very crucial opportunity to give thanks for all that He has done for you tomorrow. Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

2 comments:

seespeakshare said...

Wow.
Part of me kind of envies the fact that you get to enjoy this holiday season alone. Don't get me wrong I love being with my family but I always feel pulled in a million directions and I return from the "break" more confused and exhausted than ever. However, I am making the most and best of this opportunity because after graduation in December I know that there will be a radical change in my life. One that my family may find it hard to adjust to. No more running back to S. Fl on the weekends. No more checking in on me every 10 seconds - I'll finally have the space I need to stretch my wings and grow. I'm no angel...not even at Christmas time...but I am going to take to the sky!
I'm praying for you Sam! Don't let the enemy guilt trip you into missing out on all the wonderful things God is going to do through you.
I'm praying for you my love. Stay strong. Take courage.

Love you.
And remember even when you're by yourself...you're not alone. :)

Samantha said...

You always have a way of confirming the awesomeness He's leading me toward! I'm so glad that you're ready to graduate. It'll be a wonderful finish to a crazy few years, I'm sure.

I'm also praying for you, darling. I hope graduation is everything you've ever dreamed of. There's so many new changes on the way.

Thanks for your constant encouragement, Cara-Marie. I'm being steadfast and standing firm in accordance to His plan. It's scary not knowing what's to come, but I'm holding onto the Love that He's always given so effortlessly, and just praying for discernment!

I love you, girl. I hope you have an absolutely wonderful holiday. <3