Saturday, February 26, 2011

Continuing to strive for change

God has a habit of always telling me where I need to go when I'm feeling a little lost. Don't get me wrong...for the first time in a while, I've had a wonderful week. Katie and I spent a total of THREE days dyeing my hair until we were both completely satisfied, and TWO doing hers as well. We're a comical mess. But, alas, I'm finally happy with the change.

It's a pretty auburn/brown color. Even the shade of red that the sun brings out seems to put a smile on my face. I needed something new. I'm done with the black for now. But I suppose I wasn't ready for blonde just yet. Particularly not that I dyed on my own. I needed something different, something that defined the transformations I've undergone, and continue to undergo.

My Justin Brown is in Apalachicola this weekend experiencing the wonders of isolation. With my camera, my iPod, a notebook, and the promise not to connect to civilization, he should be on the right path to hear Him this weekend. I keep praying that he finds what God has set out for him. Justin has yet to hear what He is really trying to say because Justin is so weighted down by his needs and wants and desires. This weekend should be life changing. I know my trip there was! I suppose this is the right segue into the most bizarre part of my week...

Katie and I have been walking Lake Ella at night. But when she has to work late, I try to find someone to walk with me, or I simply stay home and get some work done. This week, I had two walking partners though: Justin...and Paul. JB wanted to meet him, Paul wanted to get some seemed perfect. I just wanted to walk the lake. Ironically enough, they got along swimmingly. It was almost kind of strange. Over my music, I could hear them laughing together and talking about their lives; all the while never bringing up the one thing they had both shared: me. I was floored by Justin's selflessness (and obviously trusting nature) and Paul's willingness to be part of my future--the one without him. I didn't really know how to react, or who to believed feigned kindness, but neither admitted to it. When I got home, Paul messaged me to thank me for inviting him to the lake. And then further surprised me by telling me that he knew JB and I had a future together. He was glad I had met someone who was meant for me. I felt the burn of guilt; sure that it had hurt to be around Justin, but assured that it was for the best. He needs to know that I am in love with Justin, and that my love for him is real. I care for Paul, and he'll always be in that "lonely memory" bar in my heart where all the ex's hang out when they get off of work, but that really is the extent of it.

On a much scarier note, my grad school application for FSU College of Social Work for Clinical Behavior is due this coming Tuesday!! I'm nervous, excited, and frustrated all at once. I know I should be working on my personal statements right now, but I can't bring myself to do anything more productive on my day off (I've already cleaned the house today!). Lots to do this week: God (always!), application, DIS stuffs, tests, rehearsals, work (as usual), friends and JB (always!), and doctor appointments. Luckily, I get to end the week with a trip down to South Florida with JB.

Something I forgot to mention though: I've been having more dreams about Jenna. Last night, I had one in which we made up. That one really upset me. I don't even know where she is, or if she's even alive. Let alone if that is what God wants me to do. I've asked Him to keep flooding my dreams with thoughts of her if that is His desire. We shall see.


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