Friday, March 4, 2011

Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre

It's Friday. There's only a few more hours before I'll hit the road down to South Florida for the weekend; marking the official start of spring break. It doesn't feel like much of a break. In fact, I feel more pressured to get things done this week than I have in a while. I don't want to go out of town because I have too much to do...but when do I ever get what I want? I've been emotionally upside-down lately. I don't confide in the people I once thought I needed, and I pour my heart out to those I probably shouldn't. Or maybe that's a sign. One thing's for sure: I've been lacking in adequate prayer time. I'm running all around, doing this and that, homework, studying, spending a little bit of free time with friends to show them I'm surviving, and passing out. Where's my God time? Why can't life just slow the heck down so I can get a little more time with my Father?

Lord, the pressures between myself and my boys are building rapidly. What I thought had subsided was, in fact, the ugly facade I suspected had existed. And I find myself stretched too thin to give either my full attention. Both continue to ask me, "What's wrong?", and I have to force myself to float aimlessly back to reality. Is my fake smile working? Where am I?

When I'm with you, my heart races.
I find myself continuously turning away from your kiss. 
I'm stuck wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
Why is my path always clouded?

My heart says that I'm better off with the Bridegroom; that I should let it all go and just depend on Him to take care of me until I'm ready for this life. But my mind quickly shakes off that notion; eager to see what else lie ahead. How many mistakes will I make before I learn my lesson? Wipe those tears, girl, everybody's looking at you.

Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.” Luke 11:36

My problem is that my heart hurts for the world. I see the suffering that burns away the beautiful layers of love and compassion and see them replaced by a hardened heart; a cynical, depressed, hideous shell of what it used to be. The closer I get to Him, the further I get from the world, and all that it has to offer. I find myself wanting to be less involved in my own extra curriculars (gospel choir), and more involved in the community (finally starting the Outreach Ministry). I find myself wanting to spend less time with my school books and more time with my bible. And the scariest of them all...I find myself feeling the need to be less connected to everyone around me in order to begin spreading the Good News of Christ. What does this mean, God? I'm so good at leaving things behind in your name, but I'm finally happy-or so I thought.

I don't know what I'm feeling.
I don't know what's to blame.
So I'll do the only thing I know how to do:

No comments: