Saturday, July 30, 2011

The only way to find perfection is to lose yourself....

Jason Reeves is playing on my laptop, and my puppy is laying in my arms; getting in the way keyboard so he doesn't feel forgotten. It's finally Friday, guys. I've been spending my week packing, moving, packing.... and moving. I'm finally moved into my new house, but it's so empty without Lynn's happy face. She's never home when I'm home :( It was incredibly difficult moving an entire house worth of stuff into my room without feeling cluttered, but I'm managing. Leo seems impartial to the new arrangements, and would rather be at Justin's new place....which, coincidentally, is my old place! Things with Justin and his situation with the Navy are still a blur, but we're hanging on and making the best of the hand we've been dealt.

Recently, it seems like the marriage I was looking forward to is far off in the distance despite having just passed it by. It seems like so long ago that I was picking out centerpieces and invitations. It becomes less and less of a reality the more that time passes, but I suppose it's all part of the His plan. This whole living-our-lives-day-by-day thing is really not how I envisioned the next year of my life. Things are just not the way I imagined they would be.

Fortunately, my DB will be here in two days to take my mind off everything I worry about, and my grandparents will be here at the end of the week for my graduation. Apparently, so will my parents, but that's another story. I'm glad at least that Justin's postponed orders mean that he can come to my graduation. It just wouldn't be the same without him there.

Tomorrow is the first day of my high-protein diet per a french nutritionist, combined with AFC's infamous 30 day shred DVD! I expect that I'll be more grouchy and tired than usual, but it'll be worth it in the end. If you're looking for me for the next month, I'll probably be shut up in my room trying to work off the extra pounds that being in a stressful relationship has added. Either that or I'll be in somewhere away from here; forgetting about the world, and trying to find the girl I used to be with the one who used to be mine. It's always strange to think that DB was ever into women. Even that seems so far back. These days, imagining him with a woman is just weird for me. I guess things that always were, always will be. I wish people understood the way I need him. Ever feel homesick? That's the way I feel without him. Paul never understood it. Justin will never understand it. And there's a good chance no one else will either. Just me. Just him.

"I'm scared to let go because I'm worried about what I'll be missing."

This really seems appropriate given recent events. I'm still in the process of letting go of my past in order to start over new for the future, but it's difficult trying to get rid of who I was without losing who I am. My thoughts and my behaviors have been completely erratic for the past two weeks (and the reason I've been isolating myself). I'm currently in the process of lifting my dependency from anti-anxiety meds, and it hasn't been an easy transition. My OCD and need for consistency and perfection has come to bear its true colors, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I had my first breakdown at work today. I was first faced with the challenge of retrieving manilla folders from a spare desk surrounded and covered with boxes full of toner. Forgetting all I've learned about messes that aren't mine, I felt overwhelmed with the urge to stack the boxes neatly: it was an obstacle that was preventing me from efficiently searching for the folders I needed. I was frustrated because of the clutter, angry because I was cleaning up someone else's mess, and panicking because the fear of reverting to my old ways was creeping up on me. The second episode came later on in the day after I completed an incredibly tedious project that took me hours to finish. After I had finished, I was told that half of the letters I had typed up individually for each employee had to be redone because there was a sentence from the original template that didn't apply to that particular group. Feeling like I had just wasted precious hours, it was too hard to hold back the tears. I was tempted to throw the papers on the ground, scream at the top of my lungs, and run out of the building. I don't feel ready for this. I don't want to go back there again. I'm not that girl anymore.

Please pray that I'll have the strength to get through this, and that I can trust in Him to carry  me through this intimidating transition.

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