Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Happiness is a manner of traveling.

My hands are oily. Eating kettle corn at work is not very productive. Eat, wipe, type. Eat, wipe, type. And I'm sure that sometime in the very near future, I'll be incredibly thirsty. But I hadn't prepared for that while sitting at the front desk and now I can't go anywhere.

Things have been.....well, I'm alive. Tonight, I'm planning on taking Leo and Justin to the lake to do some (much needed) walking. I've done two days of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, but I feel worse than ever about my body. I'll never be that hot.

The Good News
  • I've got my room set up in the new place. I love having Lynn Papapetrou as a roommate.
  • I'm enjoying my new phone.
  • Graduation is over.
  • I'm finally starting to put money into my savings account.
  • I appreciate the hilarity of Who Would You Rather and Never Have I Ever.
  • Our new fancy pots and pans have come.
  • I am happy to say that it was my charger that was broken and not my computer.
  • JB and I are working on reconciling our relationship, in lieu of the issues that we've had over the past few months.
  • I'm feeling complacent about not being on anxiety medication. Still working on the mood swings.
  • Thanks to the advice of Crystal Farnsworth's stepmother, I'm on an incredibly fulfilling spiritual journey (that, as of late, Justin has also joined).
  • The prospect of Justin going enlisted continues to increase, but he's finally beginning to accept it.
  • My best friend, Lauren McLeod, will be getting married if everything works out with her man's active duty status!

The Not-So-Good News
  • I feel like I gain more weight everyday despite cutting out excessive junk food and fast food. It's discouraging and makes me want to eat Oreos all day long.
  • Jillian Michaels kicks my butt on a daily basis. Even when I'm not doing the Shred.
  • I actually burned one of our brand new pans (the griddle) while cooking breakfast for our guests, and now I have to pay to send it back.
  • The constant talk of money and debt at church has made me feel panicked about the debt I have from school.
  • My addiction to shopping has been thwarted thus far, but I feel like I'm not strong enough to not want material things. This makes the last not-so-good point worse than it actually is.
  • I'm in a constant state of loneliness despite being surrounded by good people.
  • My grandparents' visit was much too short.
  • I still have yet to take back my cap and gown. That's going to become a problem.
  • My parents (still) suck.
  • My dad is a shell of a man, yet still treats me like crap despite being the only person in the family who still loves him.
  • My brother is too impressionable and manipulated. But in turn, he manipulates the manipulator to get what he wants.
  • My (once repaired) shoulder is beginning to give me problems....daily. I don't have another $16,000 to fix it again.
  • I'm really thirsty right now.

I've recently gotten back in touch with my aunt Hope and uncle Rick; a real blast from the past. When I stopped being able to see my biological father, and then moved from New Jersey to Florida, I lost contact with everyone associated with him. My mother's manipulation of the situation (I was only 10) allowed me to fall away from them; they were the "bad people". Last year, after [too] many attempts at regular contact with my biological father and [too] many unreturned phone calls over the years, I wrote him a long winded letter illustrating my pain, forgiving him for never being in my life, and asking him never to contact me again. My aunt and uncle's similar relationship with him has finally validated my decision. It was refreshing to hear my aunt's voice, like I was 8 years old again, trying on my first training bra (tmi, I'm sure!). My (lack of) family has really taken its toll on me.

I'm having overwhelming thoughts that beg me to seek the comfort of my past, but I'm doing my best to subdue those false ideas and emotions. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. (Matthew 6:22) I can't expect this life to be easy, or marriage, for that matter, to be without controversy or struggle. Moving backward is not an option. I need to push forward. Please help me by praying for strength for what is coming, and for some kind of resolution to the pressure I'm feeling.

As a side note, I'd like to pray for all my girls in AFC: May this week bring far less disabling stress than we have all been feeling lately.

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