Monday, August 29, 2011

He'll never forsake you. Don't be afraid.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalms 1:24

To quickly and painlessly confirm the rumors: yes, Justin and I are separated. No, I'm not okay about it. And if you really want to know, I don't have a problem telling you why I feel the way I feel about where we were, where we are, and where we're going. But I'm not going to blog about it. There's plenty of that going on over here:

Now that that's out of the way...

I need that three day weekend to hurry up and get here. I don't think I've been this tired in so long. There is no doubt that I am emotionally and physically drained. I want to do something "fun" and "exciting" this weekend, but I fear I'll be stuck in bed, sleeping away my stay-cation. I take a nap almost everyday and yet I still find myself shut-eye at my desk in the morning as if I were back in high school. Fortunately, this week has been a blur of movie previews and presentations of releases that have come and gone: Death Race, Garden State, The Invention of Lying, Four Christmas', Rent, All Dogs Go To Heaven, and a few others I can't seem to remember.

Apparently school starts today. Or is it tomorrow? ... School starts this week for the college kids. It's pretty cool to say that now that I'm graduated. Even cooler not to have to go back. I've heard a few of my friends give mixed opinions about being graduated and day dreaming about their return to school. I hated school. In fact, I've always hated school, so I don't think that is any surprise to my readers. The monotony, the homework, the boring lectures, the ESSAYS, the reading assignments that I could have skimmed instead of read, the studying for tests I would never pass, taking a test for information we definitely didn't have the time to learn in class, fighting for a parking spot, the long walk to the other side of campus because I couldn't find a parking spot, not having internet while I'm trying to get on facebook instead of listen to the lecture.....I can't imagine going back. There are some days that I consider reapplying for graduate school, but then I remember that it's a waste of time.
Valentine's Day 2008

On the bright side, (my) David--not to be confused with David "Don't interrupt my story" Hindman-- will be here in 25 days! I'm so very excited to have been able to see both of my boys this summer. Now if only Lauren would get her behind up here, I'd feel a lot better.

I've also been seriously contemplating another life course. I love that I have a job; a job that I like, in a comfortably close field that I majored in. Despite liking my job, I don't love it. And I feel like my talents and passion is being wasted sitting at an office desk, occasionally answering my phone, and becoming a filing fiend and a copy-machine expert. I am highly considering signing up to do mission work for a Church of Christ ministry. Somewhere outside the US. Somewhere I can be engulfed in a culture not my own. Somewhere I can witness a child's walk with Christ. Somewhere I can spread the Word. Peace Corps was an option until I found out that they're not exactly a Christian-friendly organization. In my opinion, getting fired for talking about Jesus is not somewhere I'd like to be. And though I'm going to continue to pray on this, I'm also going to wait until Lauren gets married. I can't miss my best friend's wedding (movie reference not intended)! I've asked for prayers of discernment, but please pray that I will not make a hasty or unwise decision, but that I will allow my will to be His will.

Also! Last night was my very last night reading Matthew. After a few days of recap and reflection, I'll be on my way to Mark. So exciting! I hope all of you are taking time out of your schedules to get lost in His Word. Bisous!


Anonymous said...

maybe you don't always have to be the one "spreading the word." it seems to me that you're trying really hard to be someone for everyone else and in the process you've neglected yourself. considering the crazy drama going on in your life (and the fact that you publicly talk about most of it to the entire internet world), consider seeking out trusted Christian mentors. God needs you to love yourself before you can show his love to others.

Justin said...

Samantha, I'm proud of you no matter what you do. May God bless you and help you to make the decisions regarding your next move in life.

Samantha said...

Dear Anonymous,

It would have been mature of you to leave your name. I hate when people feel the urge to hide behind "anonymous" for fear of being judged or criticized.

As for what your comment, I appreciate you thinking of me. However, my desire to spread the Word is not something I have to do. Rather, it's something I want to do. Following His Will is crucial to finding fulfillment, not simply being happy with what I want and then doing what He wants when I feel satisfied. Often times, the things we desire are the opposite of what He desires for us.

I also would like to remind you that this is my blog, and I will continue to share whatever information I choose, regardless of how deep it goes. You're free not to read anymore if you feel I'm putting too much of myself out there.

I have excellent-and numerous- mentors, by the way. But thank you for reading and commenting.


Anonymous said...

The Peace Corps is a wonderful organization... Changing lives for the better across the globe. It gives you the opportunity to make an impact on your world that you would otherwise not have. I've never known of the organization to be "not friendly" with Christian's. In fact, I know of MANY Christians that have joined and served successful careers with the Corps.
I disagree with “Anonymous # 1”, as I feel you already love yourself. There is plenty you need to do for YOU and you will... sometimes the best route to self-discovery is through advocacy and activism. How can one claim that they are not made of the world around them?

"To strive, to seek, to find & NOT to yield!"


Anonymous # 2 : )

Samantha said...

Well, well, well. I know who anonymous #2 is. Thanks for that little clue. :P

I'm glad someone who knows me can attest to my deep-rooted happiness. <3 you darling.

Samantha said...

By the way, I forgot to mention that I understand that the Peace Corp is friendly with Christians, but my main goal is to spread my faith while helping those less fortunate than I am. I know that this is not the goal of the organization and I've heard that they do not take kindly to people who attempt to bring religion into "their mission". But that's understandable, as well. I'm definitely not saying I don't support them, but I do believe that spreading my faith is the motivator.

Anonymous said...

You stated on this blog that you push people away when they tell you things you don't want to hear. If you don't know who I am, you can't push me away.

My basic struggle with your blog is that I feel that it's partially responsible for the dramatic degree of struggle you experienced in your relationship. This kind of openness with everyone can destroy the fragile trust that is necessary for a healthy relationship.

And my other point is that you are allowed to look at yourself and to work on yourself. This frantic need to be constantly available to others only lets you ignore the things you need to work out.

I'm sorry for being abrasive. I just feel like no one has attempted to tell you that the content of your blog is inappropriate for such a large audience.

Samantha said...

I respect your apology, and I understand why you believe what you believe.

But I believe that my transparency leaves no room for doubt or confusion. It also allows me to be humble in front of those who also seek the courage to be humble. I don't mind sharing my life with strangers; most of whom aren't strangers at all, but my dearest friends. I believe that my honesty is a rarity, and the stigma that I shouldn't be as articulate or forthright is something I'd much like to break of human nature.