Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Falling short and making excuses: A semantical pick-me-up

Recent inactivity and laziness has caused me to make an attempt at holding myself accountable for things I really do want to do, but haven't yet. It's funny because I wrote this blog earlier this week, and decided to hold off publishing it, only to find out that David had written a similar one last night.

I've been inspired to invest in rudementary tasks to make it seem like I'm being productive.
Things to accomplish in 2012:
  1. Marry off my best friend (added bonus for keeping both of our sanities in tact)
  2. Re-habituate daily bible reading and study
  3. Get David to re-habituate, as well
  4. Renew my gym membership
  5. Sand, paint, and hang my palette shelf 
  6. Read every book on my wish list (a little more than ten)
  7. Start making my rag quilt
  8. Sew a new zipper on a dress I got at Goodwill a year ago that needed a new zipper before I bought it
  9. Finish crocheting David's blanket that I've been working on for an eternity
  10. Completely eliminate soda from my diet
  11. Get a passport
  12. Buy an iPhone and switch to a better carrier
  13. Pay off my newly acquired hospital debt (currently a little over $2000)
It's strange to think about how much I've changed in recent years. Once marred by sexual frivolity and lewdness, I've discovered that I've since lost my knack for vulgarity as I continue to nurture a relationship with Christ (which is actually counter-intuitive, given the remaining content of this post). I notice it every time something crass or indecent passes my lips; its foul nature staining them; revealing me as a fraud. It makes me feel naive and innocent; new and refreshed.

As a side note, this post has proven to be all over the place, my apologies.

My relationship with God has been on my heart for the last two weeks. I feel hypocritical and impulsive; like I've lost sight of my spiritual priorities. My fast was a complete and utter bust. Not to mention, discouraging. My spiritual man is weak; completely controlled by its flesh. I'm not reading my bible. I keep saying I'm going to get back into my routine, but I'm really only lying to myself. Even Maggs is back on the wagon while I just sit on the sideline. I'm not making time for God, but rather sliding God into my schedule (occasionally) when I'm done making time for myself, David, and school. And to top it all off, I'm having negative thoughts about people I don't even know. I've received multiple calls at work from strongly accented people who don't speak much English, and elderly who either can't hear me or insist that they have the right number (when, in fact, they do not). Most of the time, I'm rolling my eyes, tuning out the rant they're on, or trying to ignore the increase in my heart rate as I grow irritated at the wasted time. The cut to my heart usually comes after they say "Have a blessed day", or my favorite: "God bless you for being so kind". If only they knew what I was really thinking.

Also, contrary to my initial impression, I've found that being a student at Capella has done just as much for me as I've done in my courses. I recently analyzed my own psychosocial and moral development, only to discover that my childhood reflects one or two of the negative counter parts in Erik Erikson's theory of development (most notably, initiative versus guilt). Not that I'm complaining about it, it was simply an eye-opener. I've learned that my competitive streak most likely began with the birth of my younger brother, and the loss of attention that new baby syndrome brings. I may have conspired to shut my brother out and remain the apple of my parents' eyes; a shining protege showered by love and affection. It may even account for my brother's lack of self-expression or his general disinterest with life. I spent a good five minutes being racked with guilt at this possibility. If you go back far enough, you find the skeletons, apparently.

The only other thing on my mind as of late is my steep decrease in finances. Granted, it was of my own doing, and I gave someone(s) a sizable loan out of the goodness of my heart, but I'm starting to feel the effects of not being able to depend on that financial breathing room, so to speak. When I gave it, my intentions were true and genuine, but several times a day, I find myself bitter in knowing the debt will never be repaid. I didn't anticipate feeling any kind of regret for doing something that I believed had God's blessing. Does that make me a bad person? My heart is heavy. Also, my bank account statement is probably worth more than I actually have in my account, and that saddens me.

I'm out of money, out of energy, and out of excuses. I really just want to get back on my feet. I want to be spiritually refreshed. I want to be surrounded by God's love and let it leak out of me onto everyone I meet. I want to be less of a stumbling block and more of a helping hand. And I want to want it. Pray for me and stay blessed, friends.


nana said...

you are a great person with a wonderful heart.god is there for you always.you must love yourself first, the rest will follow. love nana

Samantha said...

Nana, you're the greatest. Thanks for being a rock for me. I love you!