Monday, January 2, 2012

And when we fall, and we will fall; let's fall forever entwined.

I found myself wishing for somewhere different than where I was; somewhere full of God; somewhere reminiscent of who I used to be. I found myself here.

Turns out, it was exactly where I needed to be.

I brought some paper to capture the moment; it's never the same when you try to write about a memory rather than painting the experience while you're in it. 

"My face is chapped from the crisp January air, but all I feel is freedom. There is something so satisfying about spontaneity--something that fills your entire soul with appreciation for life. I was almost afraid that I would miss the turn for my destination and head straight toward my not-so distant past. Painfully nostalgic memories kept my eyes glued for the sign. And now the alabaster sand is lingering so beautifully between my toes. It was nearly a year ago that I visited nearby. It was the last day of my Daniel Fast. I wanted this same feeling of liberation and weightlessness. But this time it's different; I'm different.

I'm calmer and less frustrated. I have fewer questions, and even fewer doubts. I'm in a better place; surrounded by pleasant uncertainty. On the drive, the music on the radio was muffled by chilly air rushing through my open windows. Oh to be a bird.

I brought my music only to discover that it was silence that I really yearned for. The sound of waves hitting the beach happens to be the sweetest soundtrack. The sun is flushing my face like a spotlight set on me. I can feel God here. My hands are icy, but the skin underneath my sweater is perfectly thermal. As I run my fingers across my neck, it feels phantom, yet strangely familiar.

Naturally, I had hoped for company, but now that I'm here, the allure of this vast ocean is all the company I can fathom. The evil thing about solitude, however, is getting lost in your own head. I find myself reflecting on my past; the many that I've hurt and the few that have caused me similar grief. Or my future: what--or more importantly, who--does it hold? Will I fulfill my dreams? Conquer my fears? Be content with the life He's blessed me with? Curiosity has always been my muse. It's the way that Satan controls me. I'm immersed in selfish thoughts and my love for the mortal existence, and I'm often focused on what I want rather than what He wants.

I want to be happy. I want to be faithful. I want to irreplaceable, desired, and emotionally overflowing. I want to feel God; know God. I want to love and be loved. I want satisfaction in a career that I know I've worked hard to get to; knowing it's exactly where I always wanted to be. I want marriage. I want sex. I want children. All, preferably, in that order.

But despite all that I want, I am able to revel in all that I am. I am blessed, talented, and forever young. I'm full of life and vitality; on a fast track to no where in particular. I love as hard as I can every single day, and in return, get loved to an unimaginable degree. I have everything I need. I have the comfort of absolutely wonderful, supportive friendships. I am alive. I am here. I am me.

I'm basking in the sunlight; feeling His praise embracing me; breathing in His glory and magnificence. I could stay on this beach forever; it's haunting beauty a daunting reminder of the longevity this life lacks. But soon I'll be home; re-immersed in familiarity and predictability. For now, though, I'll get lost in this scene; every moment fleeting with the daylight."

On my drive back, I blasted Mumford and Sons, and let Jason Reeves lull me toward a secret bayou I often keep hidden. For a second, I opened both my hands beside me and wished I was a bird. Fly, fly away from here. I laughed as the wind kissed my cheeks and tousled my hair.

I decided one last stop was in order. I finished my 11 day vacation the same way that I started it: with my feet nice and soft, and my toes beautifully painted. Now I'm waiting for David to get here. Tonight we're headed to Mom and Dad's for our first official date, not that he knows that.

I am a lucky girl. Lucky for this day, lucky for this boy, and lucky for this life.

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