Monday, September 19, 2011

Is it not crazy enough to be true? Or is it true because it's crazy enough?

Simplicity is something I'm not quite familiar with. Adele has made recent transitions a lot easier to express in my own head. Pure, raw anger, sadness, frustration, vulnerability, and uncertainty. But for the past few days, I've been stripping the wallpaper in my head and in my heart. There's something about white walls that is vaguely comforting. It's fresh, new, and eagerly waiting to be my canvas. I feel I've been so consumed with complication that I'm panicking at the idea of everything being so simple.

I don't know why I'm scared; I've been here before. 
Every feeling, every word; I've imagined it all.
You'll never know if you never try 
to forget your past and simply be mine.

There's something about the unknown that always manages to get it's hold on me before I gather up my courage, close my eyes, and walk over that threshold. You're creeping up in my dreams, and I'm fighting it. I don't know why I'm nervous about change. And frankly, it's not change that I'm worried about; it's the fluidity of the change that is foreign to me. Now that I am finally able to see my life for what it is- and what it was- I know that I've been accepting simplicity as though it were the road not taken: overgrown, unkempt, and less traveled.

The readers who have been with me since January know about my struggle with blessings. I'm [still] constantly questioning whether something in my life is a blessing from Him or a temptation of sin. I believe that both forces are currently battling inside me for recognition, but I've found myself standing with someone who is stronger than I am; with more diligent convictions. The temptations left up to me by the devil are experiencing a counter-attack that I, myself, am also fighting, but the change in demeanor seems to be therapeutic. It's a calming process, ridding complication from my life. I'm no longer faced with the "ifs" or "whys" that have since brought about far too little honesty and far too much doubt. I feel myself opening up to Truth and looking for true signs of His presence in my life.

You really are something. In a matter of days, you've unintentionally begun to transform me and my abstract beliefs. I want to be better for you, so that you can be better for me. I'm feeling less restless and a lot more focused. This strangely exciting concept has me wanting to spend more time with you because you forge in me a new patience, a natural goodness, and a refreshing honesty that I've been gravely lacking. You make it simple.

I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it

I'm also currently exploring a new place for my faith. Though it's only been two weeks, the simplicity of change has lifted the air of dread from around me. I can feel a renewed love in the music, and let it resound from the inside out without inhibitions. I've recently finished the Book of Mark, and moved on to 1 Corinthians. Already, this book is proving to be guidance in the right place, at the right time. It's so wonderful to feel the love of God for someone like me: rotten, immoral, and imperfect. Or at least who I used to be. He has allowed me to follow Him as a loyal servant! And in return, I become more like His Son and less like myself: steadfast, enduring, and composed. I am so blessed to know discernment. I pray that I will continue to grow in Him, in "this" (whatever that means), and in everything He's promised to us. Bisous.


seespeakshare said...

Wow. I haven't been blogging for a long while. My last semester at school has taken all my attention away from one of my favorite activities.
...Reading your blog. Today. Is awesome. I feel the exact same way. I'm actually going to but my battle down in readable terms right now. It's a struggle between good an evil both externally in the spiritual realm and internally in the soul & spirit realm. I'm so glad we serve the God who overcomes. Stay strong sis!! He's with you.

Love you.

Samantha said...

I miss your comments. I miss your blogs! I've read the past few, but I've noticed that you've been gone a while :P Angela too.

The good news is: you're almost done with school. It was a tremendous weight off my back when I finally graduated. I can't wait to read your updates! Love you.