She's been in my dreams two nights in a row. The first night, there was a general hatred and mistrust. But last night, as I laid in bed tossing and turning, there was an actual fist fight. During my entire friendship with her, that was something I really avoided at all costs. She did a lot for me. She was there through all the hard times and the sometimes conscious through the good. But she's obviously on my mind. Why? I was warned that the fast would show me things I needed to see and allow me to come closer to Him. My dreams have been filled with hatred for her; could this be a sign of something I need to face?
Today was my first day at the police department as an administrative assistant. I love it! Definitely not as exciting as being a victim advocate intern, but it's a change of pace that I needed. And it pays! I'm glad this day is coming to a conclusion. While I should be sitting in class, I'm sitting in a student lounge on campus, trying to focus on anything else except for my hunger. Tomorrow starts my first day of fruits and vegetables. I'll be glad when I can put something of substance in my mouth. But I can already tell that my spiritual-self is going through a healing process. And after all the pain I've experienced in the past few months, I definitely welcome it.
On a positive note, Justin seems to be adjusting fairly well to my insane past and chaotically structured lifestyle. I was worried that he would be too self-absorbed and egotistical to be able to concern himself with my needs (I'm used to someone knowing me so well), but having gone through a few little arguments, the storm has finally settled....for now. Initially, I thought I shouldn't put that pressure on him, but I've come to a point in my life where I'm finally going to be 100% real with my partner. With Paul, I was a mother and a friend and a lover all wrapped up in one. I need to be me; and need to be with someone who wants to be himself. I have needs! I have physical and emotional desires! And for once, I won't pretend that they don't exist. If Justin can accept me like this, then it will last. If not, then that will be that. I'm done settling. With God, I will never be alone. Justin is just another blessing He has bestowed so that my physical being has someone to appreciate. I'm still nervous about him leaving to Rhode Island. And then again, soon after, to God knows where. I'm not worried about staying faithful while he's away, but I pray that I will be strong enough to keep the passion alive between us while he's hundreds of miles away and communication is limited. He jokingly mentioned that he wanted to ask me to marry him before taxes were due so that he could claim me as a dependent. I laughed, but I wonder what He has in store for me. I wonder how Justin plays out in my future. I can never be sure.
All I know is that I'm along for the ride. And I'm sure as heck going to enjoy it while it lasts.