Saturday, January 29, 2011

Don't Count Me Out

♫♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪ ♫

Marvin Sapp's voice is serenading my heart. This beautiful chocolate man has certainly used his gifts to serve God. I melt when he opens his mouth. Sing to me Marvin. Sigh.

I'm a mess of emotions. I need a real magic 8-ball. Or God to speak a little louder. You'd think with all that omniscient-ness, he could glamour up a megaphone or something. I guess that only happens in Harry Potter. It's Day 14. And it only keeps getting more difficult as the days go on. Everything gets that much more stressful. Justin is still stuck in his own world of chutzpah (love this Jew-word!) and preservation; trying to hold onto "us" without letting go of his rigidity. I fear his inability to adapt to anyone else's [my] life will be the end of us.

Paul is still coming to Tallahassee, and still [kindly] asking me to help him get some stuff together (get his bike back to him that's still at my house, etc.) I'm falling behind in my course work because I'm so stressed out. I get stuck thinking about how things with Paul used to be, and how Justin can't seem to go more than a day without being angry with me....and it makes me question where I'm going. I don't fight, I don't want to fight, and I won't live my life resenting the person I should be in love with. Not that I'm considering going back to Paul, but how much longer am I supposed to wait for change before I give up?

Paul was never as affectionate to me, never called me beautiful, never cared about my interests, or loved God the way I did....but those handful of fights we had over the three years we were together resulted in compromise and understanding. Never yelling, never filled with animosity, and never truly on the brink of breaking up. With Justin, I feel like I'm walking on broken glass. A room full of it. I'm going to get cut regardless, so I might as well grit my teeth and get ready for the pain, and the tears. He promises that he's working on his anger, but I'm holding my breath and waiting for change; praying to God to show me the way. Where am I supposed to be going? What am I supposed to be doing? What choices am I supposed to be making? Logic tells me to give this up, and yet I'm still here. God, please speak to my heart. 

I have tests, papers, meetings, and a calendar full of things I need to focus on, but I can't seem to hone in on anything these days. My mind is all over the place. I purposely didn't plan anything this weekend so that I could study, but I'm sitting here blogging. I suppose that's just me. I procrastinate, I'm chaotic, and I'll do everything in good time. Maybe a nap would help.

Haha. Be blessed, you guys.

No comments: