Friday, January 21, 2011

Professions, Confessions, and Some Much Needed Grub

Welcome to Day 6. And what an adventure it has been. It's amazing how quickly my life can lose structure and become a whirlwind of chaos when I have a week like I've been having. But honestly, I embrace it. So rarely do I get the opportunity to be spontaneous anymore; random (and generally irrationally justified) trips to New Orleans and Boston and elsewhere that I've learned to simply sit back and enjoy the chaos until it passes. Like a rip current, there's really no point in fighting it. It's going to happen, and it's going to drag me out to sea. The only things I can do are close my eyes, pray, and enjoy the beauty of my surroundings as it passes me by.

Daniel Bell
He called me at 2:30am to tell me he was on his way to see me. Silly boy. He is one of my only links to my old life, but he still (most of the time) manages to be a good balance for me. It's incredible how far the two of us have come: from dictating original oratory speeches in the Debate class storage closet to each other, to a profound love lost, and finally circling right back around to an incredible friendship that has lasted us through the years. When he's around, I feel like no time has passed; like the few times a year we get to see each other is just in my head....and I can find him right around the corner when he pulls out of my driveway. The hurt sometimes still lingers, but less often since I stopped consuming alcohol (who woulda thought?!). He will forever be the one that got away, but I'm so very lucky to have him back in my life. (He's a better friend than a partner anyhow.) There is no doubt that he will change this world.

This part of my week has been difficult, but I like to think that it's going to be worth it. Everyday I feel like there is something new to argue about; have we moved out of the honeymoon stage so soon? It hasn't even been 3 months yet. My first fight with Paul wasn't for about a year and a half...but I guess we can all see how that worked out in the end. They say two type A personalities won't survive a relationship for long, but here I am testing that theory. Admittedly, I am not a simple girl. I'm easy to please, but difficult to satisfy. I never deny my share of flaws, and I know that I have somethings I need to work on. But Daniel pointed out something I hadn't considered: I've found myself in back-to-back relationships at two emotional extremes. With Paul, he didn't care at all. He wouldn't ask me how my day was, or know (or care) when I was upset. He was emotionally dull; especially toward the end. With Justin, the emotions are on full blast all the time. Anger, guilt, regret, sadness, and passion (that one can stay). It's draining, but I'm trying to work with him. I hear a lot of "sorry"s when I'd rather see progress. But love takes time....right?

At first, I was concerned about expressing my feelings on here, but I contemplated the odds of JB actually sitting down to read this. -Shakes head- I've told him about it, but I know he won't read it...and he'll tell me he doesn't have the time. What does that mean for us?

My fast is still successful! The substitution of dairy (on account of my medication) has been a blessing on my stomach. I've been experiencing some vegetables that I once pushed onto Paul's plate because I hated the way they taste. Now I'm eating them like I'm having my last supper; and it's wonderful. The Jenna dreams won't cease, but I'll leave that for another post. Speaking of food....I need some breakfast.


Last night, I was baptized at Meridian Woods Church of Christ as a new sister. It's QUITE a change from being non-denominational, but I know this is the way! All of my friends were there, including my Angela Boone!! When I hugged her, I erupted in sobs. It felt so good to have someone from my past witness my transformation. I needed a good cry, and to have it be about Christ and the wonderful people He's blessed me with in this life....was absolutely breathtaking. I feel like I have a huge family who loves me so much...and I am so grateful!

David came last night. It always puts a smile on my face to see him at my door. JB will be gone for the weekend, but David will be here to keep me occupied (despite the fact that I REALLY could use some time to catch up on stuff right now). More to come. <3 Peace and love.


lauren m. said...

love you! so glad you did this, and I read this every day. It's probably my only link to God lol. Thank you Samantha Jankowski :). I know you'll always be my rock (even if we're 7 hours away).

mindseessoulspeaks said...

I'm talking to Ms. Boone as I type and I went off about how she didn't tell me the great news of sharing in that night with you. LOL It's nothing but love. Sounds like you've had quite a week.

I really liked what you said here-
"I've learned to simply sit back and enjoy the chaos until it passes."
I've promised myself to have a stress free year. God has already told me to cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7) and in Matthew 11:28&29 Jesus talks about giving us rest Not stress. Of course the key is to learn of Him literally What Would Jesus Do (WWJD).

Also your sentence, "I'm easy to please, but difficult to satisfy." is a beautiful one. I can totally relate to it. I feel the same way about myself.

As always thanks for baring your soul & what a beautiful one you have!

Justin Brown said...

It means that I need to make more time for the woman that I love. It means that sometimes I have to be able to drag myself away from work and realize that it's not going anywhere anytime soon.